You know that feeling you get in your toes when it's December and you only wear one pair of socks?

Numb

Almost like frost bite

Not hurting, not feeling,

But dying everyday. 

Cold and unmoving

Nothing comes in, nothing gets out.

Lifeless and empty

The vacancy sign lit

Eternal vacancy. 

Not changing, not caring.

Alone yet unbothered.

Ceasing to exist,

Through merely existing. 

No more than survival, 

And barely even that. 

Breathing is humanity's only signal.

Painless, loveless.

Without despair, without joy. 

Almost like frost bite

Numb.

I think numb is something I have the potential to become very easily...again.

 So much about not feeling anything seems appealing. But then, at the same time, so much about it scares me. 

Maybe I'd never get hurt, but I couldn't ever be happy, either.

Numb is the easy choice, I'm convinced. I mean, it sucks to be numb, but it really is a lot simpler to just not feel than to live in a constant state of pain, at least on the surface. After a while, you've gone too far. Being numb causes you to lose a part of you that you honestly will never be able to get back. 

Numb is a dangerous place to be. And so often it seems like the only means of escape, which is a big part of what makes it so dangerous. You might not even be living if you're so completely immersed in numbness. 

Numb is not an option anymore. Forcing myself to feel, even if it's pain, is the only way I can logically see getting through life's ups and, perhaps more essentially, downs. 

First Impressions.

I've basically grown up at church. I've been attending and involved for as long as I can remember. I honestly can't think back to a time when church hasn't been a HUGE part of my life. There's a lot of who I am that stemmed from the things that I've learned and experienced through church. There's a lot of friendships I've made through church activities that I know I'll maintain throughout the rest of life. 

That said, the church is so ridiculous so much of the time. 

And I mean that in the most respectful way possible. 

For the most part, the members of the church are insanely judgemental. It's absolutely revolting how the people found inside of the walls of a church are easily the most judgemental and condescending people you could find, at least 85% of the time. 

How is that even possible?

Based on everything I've learned in church, the church should be a place full of vibrant, genuine and loving people. The church has even taught me that the Bible makes it clear that God is in the only one who is in a position to pass judgement on people. Other people are simply not equipped to pass this judgement. 

I hate how unloving the vast majority of the Christian community is, especially the sect which would identify themselves as "traditional", "fundamental", or "conservative". 

I think that attitude has everything to do with my general sense of distaste for those three aforementioned words. 

So many times people act like the only people who deserve their respect are other Christians who would label themselves as such.

Honestly, that's ridiculous. 

Ugh. It just disgusts me so much. I really don't blame people for being turned off of Christianity and church. If it hadn't been such an integral part of my life from such an early age, I might very easily be turned off of it myself. And maybe to some extent I am.  Perhaps I'm unjustly passing judgement on the Christian community, percieving a mind set that might not even be close to reality. Based on what I hear from people outside of the church, though, it's perfectly accurate. Maybe I really am cynical towards the general population of church-going, conservative, fundamentalist Christians. Maybe this is even my own way of judging others.

And maybe that's harsh. 

All I know is that I've been able to disassociate God from the broken institution that is the church, so that my own faith isn't affected by the attitudes I see around me. I still do consider myself a Christian. I simply do not want to be categorized as the stereotypical and all to common judgemental Christian.

In church, you're always taught to live your life different from the rest of the world. I'm not satisfied just living differently from the general population of people, though. I want to live differently from the general population of Christians, too. 

"We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions that correspond with them." [Abigail Adams]

The Essence of Inhumanity

So.
I hate posts that begin with "so." It sounds like you don't know what you're talking about. It reminds me of some sort of valley girl. "So" is one of those fillers that I actually used to get in trouble for using Freshman year of high school. I have lots of terrible memories surrounding the word "so."
But, I digress (I also love the phrase "I digress"; I could use it non-stop. But, I digress).

Last Thursday, the Amnesty International at my school hosted this screening for a film made by Invisible Children (http://www.invisiblechildren.com/). Basically, the organization raises awareness about the situation of abducted child soldiers of the Lord's Resistance Army (LRA) in Uganda, working towards their rescue.

It really got me thinking about being indifferent, apathetic, complacent, or any other synonymous word that could go along with those.
It's so easy for us to see something like that and go "Oh, that really sucks" without taking any further action, or at the very least thinking about it more than that. The most people do when confronted with issues and situations like that is become immediately more thankful for their own way of life.

That's so bogus, to put it mildly.

Caring is one thing, but caring can still become identical to indifference if you simply care on the inside. If you only do that, you might as well not care. I really don't think the general cliche of 'it's the thought that counts' applies to situations like these. Your thoughts don't count if they don't compel you to actually do something. If your thoughts don't make you rethink your indifference, you might as well not be thinking, since it isn't doing anyone any good.

I love George Bernard Shaw, for many reasons, but mostly because I found a quote by him last Friday that completely summed up all of my feelings on this subject:
"The worst sin towards our fellow creatures is not to hate them, but to be indifferent towards them: that's the essence of inhumanity."

People so often attribute the label of "worst sin" against other people to the direct and outright hatred towards other people, mainly seen as the deprivation of basic rights or the dehumanization of another individual. That's not it, though.

While those things are wrong, I think it's the person who hears about these things being done to a fellow human being and then proceeds to do nothing that has inflicted the most wrong upon them.