Duh!

Today, like most good Christians, I went to church.

As a side note, if you're looking to whet your appetite for a cynical church kid attitude, you can just stop reading right now. Or you can keep reading. You're just not going to get much cynicism this time.

I realized what's been lacking in my life In fact, I think I've realized why Christians sometimes act the way they act. While Christians should, ideally, be a loving group of people, they so often are portrayed and thought of as wanting in the area of love.

Today I had such a duh moment. As in, duh, most Christians don't love others, it's because they've lost sight of the love of Christ.

Duh.

Although, it's not that we've simply forgot that Christ and love can be used in the same sentence, or even that he loves humanity as a whole.

I think that on the personal level, we don't realize God's immense love for us. And this is hurting our ability to love others. I mean, if you don't realize that you are loved by the one who commands you to love, then your efforts towards genuine love will most likely fall flat.

Sitting in church today, singing this one song, I realized that I had not focused much on the fact that God loves me. I knew he wanted me to do the right thing. I knew he cared enough to let me pray. I knew he died for me. But somehow, I had been missing the most crucial piece of the puzzle.

That he actually loves me.

I think I started crying. And that's weird, because it's been a crazy long time since I've cried. As crazy as I know some of you think it is, the fact that I am loved unconditionally by Jesus just blew my mind. I can't contain myself when I think about it for too long. And yet, I don't want to stop thinking about it.

Love is personal again.

I don't walk around thinking "oh, God loves the world." Although it is true that God's love extends to each and every person, it's so vital to have it on a personal level. "He loves me" echoes through my mind.

I love the feeling of being loved. I don't care if you think that I'm so desperate to be loved that I force emotional highs involving a deity. I don't care if you think I'm out of my mind. Simply, I don't care what you think.

I think, no I know, Jesus loves me. And that's enough for me.

=]

Lately, I've been thinking a lot. Well, a lot more than usual. I mean, I'm usually thinking about several things at the same time. It gets pretty crowded in there --in my head, that is. 

Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the kinds of things girls like to think about. 

Relationships have been on my mind lately. I'm one of those crazy people who have been having dreams about getting married pretty much since I could walk. Maybe even before that. By the time I could talk, I had the entire perfect wedding planned in my mind. As I got older, maybe a few of the details changed a bit (for example, I don't want to have my wedding reception at a McDonald's Playplace anymore). Maybe I'm exaggerating a tad, but I honestly have been one of those cliched hopeless romantic types for the majority of my life. 

That said, I have no problem admitting that I have NEVER been in a relationship, had a boyfriend, etc. etc. And I mean never. As in, it hasn't happened. 

I guess I'm expected to have had that, though. People think it's funny when you're sixteen and haven't "had a boyfriend." Uh-oh. Now, I'm really getting too old. 

I don't think dating like that in high school would have been beneficial for me whatsoever. I mean, it sucked then, especially since I am the way I am. But, what's the point? I don't want to "have a boyfriend" just so I can say that I have. I don't want to use people in that context. If I wanted to be in a relationship just so I could change my Facebook relationship status, well I probably could have had a boyfriend or two by now. But, they wouldn't have lasted very long. 

Again, what's the point?

When I look at my childhood dreams of getting married and compare them to the ones I have now, one thing hasn't changed. I don't plan on being married five times. I like the idea of having that one person for the rest of your life. 

So, how would countless short term relationships help me at all? Well, they'd make me feel better about myself, for one. I wouldn't have to be alone. Alone is a terrible thing to feel. The worst feeling in the world is sitting there watching everyone around you fall in love, all the while you wonder why you haven't yet. It hurts to think that maybe you never will. It scares me to think that maybe I never will. 

I don't think I'd make a very good nun, to be perfectly honest. 

It hurts sometimes. It's frustrating sometimes. It seems hopeless sometimes. It's hard all of the time. 

Someday. 

But, I'm not one of those people who are one hundred percent against "dating" or what have you. 

I don't really know exactly why it's taking so long. I don't really know if it's me, or just the circumstances of my life. If it is me, I don't know what it is about me exactly. I don't know if I'm distancing myself to hold out for something better or just distancing myself for the heck of it.

I really hope something comes along, sooner rather than later if I had a choice. 

But, then, at the same time, I'm okay with it. As hard as it is to say, maybe my picture perfect wedding is never going to happen. Maybe I'll never fall in love. Maybe I'll live with lots of cats someday. 

I never thought I would say this, but I actually find myself alright with that. If that's the way it's going to be, okay. I'm perfectly happy right now. It's dumb to wait for another person to show up and make you happy. I can and am happy just as I am, lonely and all. 

And, you know, I'm really not that lonely after all.